We need to understand the pernicious nature of unforgiveness. It is a luxury that you dare not indulge in, because it leads to far greater evils. Here is a brief description of the downward spiral unforgiveness will take you on:
1. Create a record of wrongs
Unforgiveness starts with the feeling we’ve been injured, hurt, or wronged by someone or something. If we do not forgive from the heart, we create a record of their wrongs and begin to hash them over and over.
2. Resentment grows, beginning a feud
As we rehash their wrongs, our feelings of resentment grow. The resentment creates a barrier between us and a break occurs in our relationship. Our heart closes to the person who hurt us. Consciously or unconsciously, a feud has broken out.
You can recognize resentment by the negative feelings of displeasure or indignation and the continual replaying of their wrongs.
3. Leads to a desire to retaliate
Resentment leads to a desire to take vengeance, to retaliate. We look for ways to get back at the person who hurt us. We want them to hurt in the same way they did us. Dr. Charles Zeider refers to this as a “Will to Punish.”
By making someone pay for what they did to us, we think we can get rid of the pain we feel and make our wounds heal. But the Bible tells us not to do this:
Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord (Ro 12:19).
When we find ourselves believing we are justified to make others pay for their wrongs against us, we need to take care. We are not God and we do not have the right to judge others!
4. Anger increases, leading to rage and hostility
Trying to punish others will create even more anger, causing us to feel irritable and easily provoked. We lash out quickly or cut others off. Negative thoughts consume our mind and we use behaviors like stonewalling, procrastination, criticism, whining, sulking, or grumpiness to show our hostility.
Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God (James 1:19-20).
Therapists have learned that ventilating anger doesn’t help; it only increases or even prolongs it, making it easier to get angry again in the future. Drs. Allender & Longman suggest that anger vocalizes the question: “Is God just or will He let the wicked win and prevail against me?”
5. Hatred flourishes
As anger increases, hatred moves into our heart. Hatred says the person who hurt me does not have the right to exist anymore, especially in my presence. We find it difficult to stay in the same room with the person; we’d like to eliminate them from our lives.
For some people, their hatred turns inward, hating themselves, not the person who hurt them. The self-hatred becomes embedded in their psychological core, buried deep in their subconscious: they live with the feeling they have no right to exist and no identity.
6. Violence starts
Studies show that chronic anger leads to verbal and physical assault. When hatred turns to violence, we may act like a child having a temper tantrum: throwing things or using our hands to hit, slap, or push others. Through our behaviors, we’re saying, “I want to wipe you off the face of the earth, but before I do this, you are going to experience my pain. You are going to know what you have done to me.”
If our hatred turns inward, we try to hurt our self, perhaps using destructive self-talk, not caring for our self, or being accident prone.
7. Murderous actions begin
When violence turns to murder, we want to physically wipe the person who hurt us off the face of the earth. However, most of us do not use a knife or gun, but we try to destroy them, using our words. We verbally abuse them or assassinate their character. People who hate themselves may turn to addictions or even try to take their own lives.
◊ Forgiving my mother brings a dream
Not many years ago, I suddenly saw I needed to forgive my mother for several things. One was her failure to call me by my name. It seemed to me that she couldn’t call me Judith; instead she’d call me by my sister’s name, who was 14 years younger. This bothered me for years—even though I’d often mixed up my own children’s names.
Another incident happened shortly before she died. I kissed her and said, “I love you, Mom,” but she couldn’t say, “I love you” back. She responded, “I love all of you children.” Her final words to me! I’d held this against her for many years, often reciting it to others. When the Lord opened my eyes, I forgave my mom and repented of my judgment against her.
That very night I dreamed my mother had just died and was lying there in her bed. My sister and I were cleaning up her things, when suddenly my mom’s eyes opened and she looked right at me with eyes of love. Then she closed her eyes and was again gone. I awoke with much joy, because I knew my mother had forgiven me!