How To Forgive People Who Hurt You

In making peace with our past, we need to forgive from our heart everyone who has ever hurt us. We need to forgive our father and mother and all other family or friends for what they did or did not do for us in our life.

And we must become aware of our need to forgive our self.  We cannot come to a place of peace as long as we are holding grudges against our self. No one is benefiting from this; to the contrary, we are hurting our families and friends.

Getting started

1. Ask the Lord to search your heart

Ask Him to show you any resentment, anger, vengeful feelings, and bitterness in your mind and heart.

Dear Heavenly Father, Open my eyes that I might see how my unforgiveness and desire to make others pay for how they injured me is impacting my life. I thank you for your mercy, but I confess that I have not always given mercy to others. I ask you to bring to my mind those people who I need to forgive. In the name of Jesus Christ, I thank you.

2. List the names—who is it you need to forgive

As you pray, God may bring to mind people and experiences you have totally forgotten. Let him do it, even if it is painful. Remember, you are doing this for your sake, not the ones who hurt you.

a. Identify people you need to forgive

As you think of them—even those who are no longer alive—watch to see whose face makes you uncomfortable, who you do not like, who you disapprove of: neighbor, teacher, friend, pastor, employer, or co-worker.

When you think of someone’s face, pay attention to what you feel in the pit of your stomach. Does it tighten? Is there “a high octane ping in your spirit?”

b. Identify people in your family

Think of the people in your family and ask yourself if anyone owes you something. What did they do to you or not do for you?

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you that I belong to you. I want to honor my mother and my father, but I also know that my family is not perfect. I ask you to reveal to me who I need to forgive.  In Jesus name, Amen.

c. As names come to mind, list them

d. At the end of your list, write “myself”

3. Next, write out exactly why you need to forgive each person

What was the wrong thing they did to you or failed to do for you? How did they sin against you?

a. Describe the specific way they hurt you

I need to forgive them for (describe what it was).

b. State how their sin made you feel

Acknowledge what you felt. What he/she did made me feel? True heart forgiveness must go deep, touching our emotional core.

Because it made me feel (put a name on the feeling).

c. State what their sin cost you or what it is you want from them

Identify exactly what you think their debt is. What do they owe you? What do you expect from them?

He or she owes me (write it out).

Doing business with God

1. Welcome the Holy Spirit’s presence to empower you

Position your heart in humility before the Lord. Confess aloud your faith in Jesus Christ and His sacrifice on your behalf. Acknowledge that it is solely on the basis of what Jesus has done that you can be forgiven, forgive others and forgive yourself. Declare your total dependence on God to free you.

Heavenly Father, I am coming to you to confess my unforgiveness as sin and to allow you to cleanse me of all unrighteousness. I ask you for your complete forgiveness. I believe that the Lord Jesus Christ is the Son of God and the only way to God, and that He died on the cross for my sins and rose again from the dead. I give up all my rebellion and all my sins, and I submit myself to you as my Lord.

2. Forgive each person on your list, praying aloud

Verbalize your decision by saying aloud, “Lord I choose to forgive (name person or persons involved)” and state specifically what their sin was.

Lord Jesus, I choose not to hold on to my bitterness and anger. I choose to forgive (name) for (what they did), because it made me feel (verbally share every hurt and how it made you feel with the Lord).

I renounce all my sins involved in my holding unforgiveness against (name) and I choose not to hold on to my resentment. I give up my right to be angry with (name). I relinquish my right to seek revenge. I release (name) into your hands.

Make me clean and whole and release me of this sin. I thank you that your blood is enough for every sin committed against me. I thank you for the power of your blood to cleanse my heart from all resentment, bitterness, and anger. I now receive your forgiveness.

Thank you for setting me free from the bondage of my bitterness. I now ask you to bless those who have hurt me. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen.

3. Ask the Lord to heal your wounds

We may need to be healed of the consequences of sins. After you have forgiven every person for every painful memory, then finish this step by praying:

Lord, I release all these people to You, into Your hands, and I ask You to heal my wounds that were the result of their sins and to heal my damaged emotions. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

Learn more about the healing power of forgiveness from my book, I Forgive You: How Heart-Based Forgiveness Sets You Free (available from Amazon in print or e-book).