Christians hold many commonly held misconceptions about forgiveness. Here are ten “nots” about forgiveness:
1. Forgiveness does not depend upon the offender
Forgiveness does not depend upon your offender wanting or asking for it. It does not depend upon whether they are sorry or not. It involves only our cutting off the debt (Gr. aphiemi) that their offense created. If we forgive our offender their indebtedness, whether they want it or not, we will not hold them accountable to pay for what they did.
2. Forgiveness is not something we do for the offender
Forgiveness is not about fulfilling an obligation or duty to our offender. We do not forgive because we owe them, nor do we forgive for their sake. We forgive, because Jesus told us to.
3. Forgiveness is not about going to the offender
Many people mistakenly think forgiveness is about going to their offender, but forgiveness does not require this. In fact, it may even be harmful―the offender may be unaware, or if aware, thought it already was forgiven. They may even be dead.
We must be led by the Holy Spirit in this. We also need to examine our reasons for going. After we’ve done the hard work of forgiveness, the Holy Spirit may nudge us to go, possibly for reconciliation, but we must wait for his timing and wisdom.
God guides me through a dream
As leader of a women’s ministry, I’d become friends with a prestigious woman speaker and often traveled with her. Then she became offended with me and began to speak negatively about me to others. Not knowing what to do, I asked the Lord. That night, I dreamed:
I’m in a meeting, and the offering is being taken. A voice says, “Give me something from your purse.” I look in my purse and see a needle & thread and a magnifying glass. I put them in the offering basket.
When I awoke, I knew that I wasn’t to try to mend our relationship, and I was not to focus on it or magnify it.
4. Forgiveness is not about okaying or condoning wrong behavior
Forgiveness requires us to recognize that something wrong occurred, but it does not ask us to sanction or condone the sinful behavior of our offender.
5. Forgiveness is not about denial
Another mistaken notion says that if we deny the unjust offense, pretending it never happened, then we have forgiven. No! Pushing it down under, denying the pain, does not resolve the debt.
As Christians we tend to pretend that something did not hurt us, but we are deceiving ourselves. Denying the offense only creates more problems for us in the future. We swallow the emotion, taking it deep inside, where it can do damage to our bodies later in life.
6. Forgiveness is not about trying to change the offender
Forgiveness is not a means of changing another person but rather the avenue of release for you, the person who was hurt. We do not forgive offenders because we hope it will change them. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that if you forgive the person, it will cause them to change. Not true!
Be aware of using forgiveness as a way to manipulate your offender. Just because you have forgiven them does not mean that they will change. Also, don’t delude yourself into believing that your offender has been touched by God or that reconciliation is now possible. Forgiveness says, “I forgive you regardless of whether or not you change.”
Forgiveness only has the power to change you, not your offender. It releases you of the bondage that enslaves you because you are holding the note of the debt―but it may or may not impact the offender. It is a lie that other people’s behavior has the power to control us.
7. Forgiveness is not about trying to forget
Another belief says if we can forget what happened then we have forgiven. In fact, most people who try to forget discover that it doesn’t work. However, we may find that once we truly forgive the offender, the offense seems to fade away in our minds.
God says He will “remember our sins no more” (Heb. 10:17), but God, being omniscient, cannot forget. “Remember our sins no more” means that God will never use the past against us (Ps. 103:12). Forgetting may be the result of forgiveness, but it is never the means of forgiveness. When we bring up the past against others, we are saying we haven’t forgiven them.
8. Forgiveness is not about restoring relationship
It does not have to do with restoring a relationship or making things right between you and your offender. Forgiveness is focused on the debt, not the offender. It has to do with the removal or release of an indebtedness but nothing to do with restoring a relationship. It is the offender’s unjust behavior which receives the action of the verb forgive, not the offender.
Christian psychologist Charles Zeiders says, “One’s forgiveness does not necessarily heal or influence the other person. Human nature is fallen, and people are capable of sadism, abuse, and grotesque behaviors that will again hurt us. Jesus knows this truth. Jesus warns us about this when he said, ‘Be on your guard against men.’”
Forgiveness is not about fulfilling an obligation or duty to the person who hurt us. We do not forgive because we owe the person something, nor do it for their sake. We forgive because Jesus told us to.
9. Forgiveness is not about trying to hold on to someone
Closely linked to the above is the idea that if we forgive our transgressors then they will not abandon, reject, or desert us. Many physically and emotionally abused people continually forgive their violent partner out of fear of being alone. Cowards, they prefer to live with their abusers rather than break free from them.
They are naïve in thinking that they can change their partner through forgiveness. We need to understand that, because we carry the corrupted seed from Adam, people are capable of all manner of degradation and evil.
Dr. Zeiders warns us to not “forget legitimate learning about fallen human nature. If somebody hurts you, and you forgive them, maintain a wide boundary between yourself and them. Do not assume that your forgiveness has changed the person who hurt you.”
Actually forgiveness is a way for you to break free from being held in bondage to your offenders. Forgiving them frees you from trying to get something from them.
10. Forgiveness is never conditional
Forgiving offenders is never conditional. We do not say, “I’ll forgive you, if you do this or that.” If so, then we are still trying to make them pay down the debt they owe us. Once we forgive our offenders, they do not owe us anything.
(adapted from Charles Zeiders, Caine & Kaufman, Ed Smith, Neil Anderson, John & Paula Sandford)